Its 8:00 am and I wake up with my head burning...I try and adjust my eyes...they are not working....finally they focus in on my 6 month old little girl...her hand comes in and grabs my hair...its everywhere....and it hurts...I grab her wrist and pry open her little fingers one by one. Its the kind of hurt that I have to remind myself that its my 6 month old and she doesn't understand and I need to loosen my grip on her wrist....I choose the word understand because I think she purposely likes seeing my reaction..and her brothers, but his reaction is a little more severe....I have to make sure I am close by. Jackson is still sleeping....in my bed....so I grab Avie before her babbling can wake him...I really only want to deal with one child awake right now. I smell something coming from Avie, and try to recall when this could have happened, she just woke up. We go the changing table and I try to be somewhat jovial that I get to start my day off by changing a poopie diaper. Lately this is all I do....all the girl does is poo...I dont know where she fits it...I guess she doesnt. She is clean...I put her on a blanket with toys all around...and I head towards the coffee. I can smell it as I get closer...thank you honey for making coffee before you left this morning....I love it when its already made....espcecially this morning. My slippers are crunching beneath me...I look down and see goldfish...those little whole grain chedder ones. The whole grain makes me feel so much better...in fact I am more likely to say yes when he asks to eat them for breakfast. At this point I dont even try to dodge the rest...I just step on them...I figure the damage is already done. I make my coffee quickly and decide I will sit in the living room with Avie and "wake up". I start looking around and just sigh....there is Cane's sauce on the wall in the kitchen from last night when Jack fell out of his chair and took the whole box of chicken with him....I thought I cleaned it all...but I must have missed some....of course there are the crunched up goldfish....several toys in the kitchen and lots more in the living room....basically this house is a wreck....but I just cleaned it yesterday...how can this happen so fast! Then I recall the wonderful night I had...Jack decided that he would crawl into bed with me around midnight, and because I value my sleep too much, I just let him in...and Avie decided she would join in around 1...then she would wake up at 4:30 and decide that she wanted to play....this went on for an hour and a half! I spent my night barely moving...in fear that if I roll over, I might wake Avie up. My husband, lately just assume turn the couch into his bed. We have to plan out our "intimate time" and make sure the baby monitor is on...because you never know when Jack will decide to barge in...okay maybe I am the only one that has gotten busted by a two year old!...And maybe I am the only one who has a two year old that is wired at 10:30! Am I not working hard enough...am I being lazy...do I just not care anymore...I am thinking...and thinking hard for answers...and then I realize...there is just no real answer....sometimes days, weeks, months, and years are harder than others. Yes I believe there are limits and lines to draw and that the husband should not have to sleep on the couch every night. But I realize that our life on this earth is but a vapor....a vapor! And when Jack is 4 or 5 or 6 or 7...he will not want to sleep in his mommy and daddy's bed...and there will probably be that day when I am sitting in the front row watching his bride walk towards him and I will probably say....man... I wish I would have snuggled with him more, or I wish I wouldn't have worried so much about the small stuff...that, in the long run doesn't really matter. Does this mean that Jackson and Avie will continue to co-sleep with their parents....no....because I need a good nights sleep....with my husband....but my point is that we shouldn't criticize our motherly instincts and we shouldn't sweat the small stuff....those crunched up goldfish can be swept up.... and that sauce can be wiped off...eventually....everything doesn't always have to be perfect...I have to remind myself. I have the best job there is....being a wife to my husband, and being a mother to my children....and yes there are some days when I would willing get a different job, but then I would be missing out on some of the most important things in..my life...my world...my vapor!
This...
